Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Nasty thoughts

Today I’m gonna do something someone back in time suggested that I did when I had so many emotions I felt like exploding, which is to write. She said that by writing you can get things off your chest, which is what I now desire most.

I have been through some situations that were stressful and made me very sad, from which I couldn’t get out, and that I will only be 100% relieved from when I come of age –and I am not very sure that then I will be fully relieved-. I don’t wish to upset or make you sad, so I won’t go into much detail about these situations, I’m just gonna say they stress me a lot and bring the worst of me, and give me the need to be alone and lie on my bed for hours. Or maybe the need to stand at the top floor of my building and shout my heart out till the anger and sadness go away… Or perhaps just curl up and hold my knees as tightly as I can, and play loud music, so as to avoid hearing my thoughts.

Instead of doing all that, I decided to follow the advice I once received and write, pour my feelings onto this blank blog thing, to turn my rage, sadness, anger into something else. So here I am. Devoting my thoughts to the noble art of writing to keep them away from cruel reality.

Not that reality is always so cruel, no. I have two different realities, which is something I don’t even understand. I have the suffering reality that thinks about these facts, that tells me I don’t have a way out, that depresses me and drives me nuts. And I have the other reality, the one which –thankfully- I perceive most of the time, the one that is wonderfully happy with her situation, the one that is in love, the one that has so many friends and enjoys spending her life with them, the one that reads, writes, the one that loves her granny so much she could endure the annoyance of being thoroughly clean just to be with her all the time, the one that loves dancing and singing… The one that lives.

Thankfully, the nicest reality is the most present in my life, but when these nasty situations appear, on comes the sad one, and away goes the happy. I just wish I could make the happy one stay with me a little longer, teach me how to defeat the sad one… Anyway, I believe everyone has two parts inside, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the ying and the yang… And we, especially me, need to learn to live with them both, enjoying life as much as we can…

Thank you very much for enduring the boredom of reading this post, if you did, and if you didn’t, I don’t blame you, it must have been absolutely boring, but I needed to get this burden off of me, and I believe that by writing this I eased a bit the horrible pain I feel at the top of my stomach, I slightly loosened the huge knot I had in my soul. But don’t worry, tomorrow I’ll be happier, and I’ll do a much happier post.


Anonymous said...

Who says you always have to be happy? People aren't robots stuck in one mood all the time. lol I rarely write happy posts, cause I write to release my darker emotions. Whoever gave you the advice to write about what you feel is very smart. It does wonders for me.

p.s. the word verification word says 'jawkill' XD They amuse me all the time. Its' funny when they make actual words.

Jody Hedlund said...

Thanks for sharing so honestly. I don't think I can always separate my emotions so easily the way you've described! You seem to have a great grasp on your moods and emotions, which is definitely a great thing!

Tamika: said...

The great thing about feelings are that they change, and not just randomly but frequently!

Praying tomorrow is brighter and lighter. And even if it's not hold on for a change is sure to come.

Roni @ FictionGroupie said...

Sorry you're going through a rough patch. Hope you things improve for you soon.

Julie Dao said...

I hear ya. Sometimes things can get really tough but you just have to remember that you can always write. I don't know why, but venting on paper or on a computer screen can be just as great (or even better!) than venting to a real person. It feels cathartic to pour all your worries and anger and frustration out. Just remind yourself that you can and will get past this. You can do it. I hope this weekend goes better for you!